Diary of a Life with Chronic Pain v2.01

More pros and cons

Jason — 2006-06-29T17:32:35+00:00

Yes its another one of those entries. You know the deal by now. Dont read this.

Cant think of a title

Jason — 2006-06-25T19:52:29+00:00

Just thought I'd make a quick post. Depression is still bad. I know I put it as 10/10 last time, but if anything it is worse today than then, but for reasons I dont wish to discuss on here its just been a really shitty day. Am glad its nearly over.

Tomorrow I have the dentist. Got to have a filling. Cant wait. Not. I am terrified of dentists. Ive postponed the appt once because I was too scared to go and have the filling. Pathetic isnt it.

The pain has been behaving itself to a degree. Theres been a couple of bad breakthrough sessions this last 36 hours or so, but the trouble is that when I am as depressed as I am now then I cannot even cope with the daily achey thump pain that is there all day every day. Every thump just makes me cringe more and more, and then it makes me want to cry because it wont stopped, and each thump seems to drive deeper and deeper into me until I am practically screaming for it to stop. Its horrible.

And now there is a blockage problem too with the stoma. Gas is still coming out, but Ive not passed anything in three days, and I can feel a wad of stuff stuck behind that stupid u-bend in my bowel. I've started to melt the obstruction away with some glycerin suppositories but its taking a long time and im feeling so bloated with it.

Ugh.

England won their World Cup match tonight. Bugger. Was hoping they'd lose so they'd come home and something else could be talked about on the telly. Its nothing but football football football now. And tomorrow sees the start of Wimbledon, so then it will be football tennis football tennis football tennis for the next two weeks. Woooopie doo.

Sorry I shouldnt be so saracstic. Just the way I am today. Ive not had naymore thoughts on suicide. Its at the back of mind but nothing new springs to mind. I am so desperately unhappy in this shitty world, but I know that it could also be so much worse, and so its hard to think of thoughts like that when that realisation is also at the back of my mind.

Anyways I am going to go to bed. Nothing to do. Its 8pm and the folks are already in bed watching telly. No one to talk to online, everyone is offline so I think i shall call it a night too. Get myself in bed with tartan zip up booties, hot water bottle, heated under blanket and not forgettting to put my teeth in a glass of water. Yeah, I feel old.

Bye for now.

Jason
Pain: 6/10
Depression: 11/10

Does God Punish Suicide?

Jason — 2006-06-23T21:06:33+00:00

Warning: The following post talks about suicide, and some people may find the subject matter distasteful. In fact you shouldnt read this post at all so dont click the link below to get to the full post. Thanks.

Move over Stig, Jason's here.

Jason — 2006-06-21T19:10:21+00:00

Little competion in this entry. Anyone who can leave a comment explaining what the title means, wins... a... umm... "well done" posting from me. The clue is that I'm down in the dumps today moodwise.

So, yeah, depression is really bad today. Tears and all that shit. So embarrassing. Its been deteriorating for 36 hours or so now. And I just KNOW that its going to get worse tomorrow for a fact. Why? Cos I see the psycologist for the three month review, and any one who reads this drivel regularly will know that Ive gone in there sobbing & suicidal and theyve sent me out with a three month review and instructions to phone them if it "gets bad". I always leave that appointment ten times worse than I go in. Ironic considering its meant to make me feel happier! Good ol' NHS! Gotta love 'em.

So so so fed up

Jason — 2006-06-17T20:48:58+00:00

Its the weekend again. Im bored. Have been in a lot of pain since yesterday, not had hardly any sleep overnight, and today its been full of breakthrough pain. Im amazed Im on here personally but I am so fucking bored its untrue. Friends are all out n about n busy, nothing on telly. Come online and my messenger lists are barron and lifeless, so when all else fails and theres no one to talk to, talk to yourself. Or rather, make a journal entry.

So, yeah, the pain is bad. At this moment, its aching and thumping, im fidgeting on the chair. I should be laying down, but I just cant settle, and I've got to do something.

So the big day arrived....

Jason — 2006-06-13T18:29:25+00:00

... and I saw the Pain Doctor. Had he received the letter from GP? Had he read it? What did he have to say about it? What does he plan to do about it? Well, all these questions and more shall be answered in this, the next exciting edition of my journal.

No, he hadnt received it. And thus all the other questions become moot points. Good ol'd NHS. I gave him a run down of what I was complaining about, and it was clearly all news to him. The nurse I saw last time who had made the errors has since left the hospital, but he said he'd have a word with the reception staff about it too. I wont hold my breath.

He's fobbed me off onto another doctor anyways. Same hospital, but a spinal injuries pain management consultant. They said that unless I have the spinal operation then I am at the end of the road as far as pharmaceutical pain relief goes. But he also said "If you are going to stubbornly refuse to even entertain the operation then Im wasting my time referring you, as well as yours."

Am I being stubborn? Thats the question Ive been asking myself over the last 24 hours or so. I suppose to answer that question i need to fully understand what the word means....

Culture? Thats a mouldy growth innit?

Jason — 2006-05-27T10:24:12+00:00

Had a very interesting and fun night last night. Emma and i went to the theatre to see a Ballet Ireland production of Tchykovsky's best bits. It is my first time to live ballet, and only the second time Ive ever sat down to watch it, and I must admit that I actually enjoyed it a lot. They made it accessable to the complete ballet doofus (ie me) as well as challenging the established ballet fan and traditionalist by performing their own improvisation/interpretation of some more recognised pieces, such as a very haunting and at times disturbing protrayal of Sleeping Beauty (ill never think of heavy breathing the same way again!) and by altering the classic ending of Swan Lake by not killing off both the swans and leaving Odette alive n well at the end.
Cont./...

Heres my nuts... please form a queue if you want to kick them

Jason — 2006-05-25T09:17:11+00:00

Well then. What a day yesterday was. Ever heard the expression "kicked when already down"? - that is how I feel today, after seeing the neurology clinic yesterday. Ive been given another kick in the nuts, hence the title to this entry.

Theyve revoked my driving license as a result of the jerks getting worse and more frequent when laying down. Of course we drive a lot when lying down dont we! On top of this, they want to admit me for a day of tests hooked up a an EEG machine so that they can try to catch the jerks happening. They are still convinced that it is epilepsy-proper, and not just after effects of the drugs I am on.

GP Appt. Outcome

Jason — 2006-05-22T19:29:42+00:00

Finally saw my G.P. today. All in all im satisfied by the outcome, its about as good as I could have hoped for. I wouldve liked to have seen more happen, but her hands are so tied, I cant blame her at all, its the consultants i blame and so does she. Even though I promised myself I wouldnt cry in her office, and id be a macho male, I lasted only about 3 minutes before my voice croaked and I lost it. She says im having a nervous breakdown and blames my consultant and the pain clinic for it.

Still here

Jason — 2006-05-20T10:15:27+00:00

Well, we're now.. what.... 2 weeks on from the last post, and Im still here. Still not seen any doctors or surgeons or specialists, cos Im STILL waiting for the appointments to turn around. Just as well things arent bad eh?

Im not gonna drone on in this entry. Im sure you all have better things to do than read my drivel, so I'll keep this short n succinct as I can.

Suicidal tendancies???

Jason — 2006-05-07T21:10:56+00:00

This post talks about suicide and I recommend that you dont read it. Period. If you really must read it, then click on the link below to access it.

Same ol' same ol'

Jason — 2006-05-05T20:31:51+00:00

Another friday. Another weekend. Anothe rblog entry - albeit the first in about what... six weeks? whoops, My bad. Just havent felt like talking about stuff.

Have been fighting a blockage all week, and only just got on top of it yesterday afternoon. The stoma is all black and blue now from brusing due to having to pass hundreds of rock hard marbles for three days. Most of which are too big for the stoma to manage and had to be forced out by applying pressure either side of the stoma - just like splatting a spot, only without the usual satifaction spotty teens usually get in gunging the bathroom mirror up.

Cont./...

Back up n running

Jason — 2006-03-28T11:18:28+00:00

Well, we're back online again. The Hosts have finally re-activated my CGI Scripting abilities after they shut it down due to my ostomy message board allegedly over-using resources. Anyways Ive moved the board to a new host and it can be found now at www.ostomyland.com. This journal shall remain in the same place, and so too shall the chat room gallery. Thats the only PHP and CGI powered items left on the whole site and with time I'll probably move them over too.

Anyways, thanks to everyone for their patience during this time. Its probably just as well this journal was unavailable during this time as chances are I'd have been swearing my ass off and making liablous statements against my previous web-hosts. :D Heh.

Right, well... I'll make a proper whinging post like always later on when Im feeling a bit less tired, less stressed, and more comfy.

Bye for now folks.

J.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 5/10 (Peaked at 9 while board was down and I was gettin daily mails demanding its reinstating).

And so here I am again.

Jason — 2006-03-18T15:52:07+00:00

One week since my last post, and the depression is just as bad. It’s been a tearful week. Not that I’ve been talking about it online, just been very quick vague answers about it when asked. I found last night to be particularly lonely for some reason. I don’t know why but I really felt it last night. Not sleeping didnt help either. Im not having much of a nap in the afternoon anymore, maybe 30 mins, and then come night time I maybe have 2 or 3 hours in total scattered throughout the night. Im up at 6am every day to get my meds and some minor relief from the pain. Its not as if Im not tired though either, because I am. I just cant shut my mind off, and sheep counting etc doesnt work for me. Oh well.

Continued.... (click link below)

Plodding. Plodding. Plodding. With heavy boots and heavy heart.

Jason — 2006-03-11T22:25:26+00:00

I feel so bad at the moment. My depression is at an all time new low. Even lower than
previous years when I overdosed, albeit accidentally at the time.

Ive not left any journal comments for quite a few weeks now mainly because of two
reasons. 1) Just not had the energy or interest to do so. 2) Im beginning to question
just how much it actually helps me, even the private journal that I keep to myself and
no one else reads.

Cont/...