June 29, 2006
More pros and cons
Yes its another one of those entries. You know the deal by now. Dont read this.
Its been another one of those days - well last few days actually - where im questioning just why Im here. Im low enough again to be doing an updated pros and cons list. It seems a lot shorter this time, I guess Im just more focussed now and not scraping the bottom of the barrel to think of a stuff like I was before. This time its 10-4 for the pro's.
The fact of the matter is that I am just so tired and physicallt exhausted from the continuous pain that I have nothing else to give it, physically, mentually, or whatever. Its taking all my energy to write this today. For some reason when my depression gets really bad my mind just stops working and I cant think of anything to do, or think anything through, and I end up just laying there in a sort of daze. Its like that today.
The breakthrough pain came back with a vengeance last night. About what... 9pm ish I think it was it started. At 9am this morning I was still in pain. I was getting no more than 30 minute sessions of relief between them. And that was after I'd taken my drugs. It did help lengthen the periods between attacks, but not by much really. It certainly didnt stop it dead in it's tracks.
Ive been asked to beta test another MMORPG game. I cannot say which game it is as theres a NDC in place. I downloaded the beta test code yesterday. Sadly though, theres some major performance issues and I cant really play it yet, the game needs more development to fix the frame rate issues before I can really do the game jusitice. It looks good, but its so stuttery I cant play accurately so keep dying all the time. Frustrating, but it looks cool otherwise.
I've started to write again. I must be desperate. Am writing a story about an internet stalker. They say write what u know about.... not that I know about stalking people, but I do know the net.
Im sorry I cant think of anything else to write. Think I might call it a day, and its only 6pm. Nothing to stay up for. Nowt on telly.
*sigh*
Goodbye.
Jason
Pain: 7/10
Depression: 10/10
Posted by Jason at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)
June 25, 2006
Cant think of a title
Just thought I'd make a quick post. Depression is still bad. I know I put it as 10/10 last time, but if anything it is worse today than then, but for reasons I dont wish to discuss on here its just been a really shitty day. Am glad its nearly over.
Tomorrow I have the dentist. Got to have a filling. Cant wait. Not. I am terrified of dentists. Ive postponed the appt once because I was too scared to go and have the filling. Pathetic isnt it.
The pain has been behaving itself to a degree. Theres been a couple of bad breakthrough sessions this last 36 hours or so, but the trouble is that when I am as depressed as I am now then I cannot even cope with the daily achey thump pain that is there all day every day. Every thump just makes me cringe more and more, and then it makes me want to cry because it wont stopped, and each thump seems to drive deeper and deeper into me until I am practically screaming for it to stop. Its horrible.
And now there is a blockage problem too with the stoma. Gas is still coming out, but Ive not passed anything in three days, and I can feel a wad of stuff stuck behind that stupid u-bend in my bowel. I've started to melt the obstruction away with some glycerin suppositories but its taking a long time and im feeling so bloated with it.
Ugh.
England won their World Cup match tonight. Bugger. Was hoping they'd lose so they'd come home and something else could be talked about on the telly. Its nothing but football football football now. And tomorrow sees the start of Wimbledon, so then it will be football tennis football tennis football tennis for the next two weeks. Woooopie doo.
Sorry I shouldnt be so saracstic. Just the way I am today. Ive not had naymore thoughts on suicide. Its at the back of mind but nothing new springs to mind. I am so desperately unhappy in this shitty world, but I know that it could also be so much worse, and so its hard to think of thoughts like that when that realisation is also at the back of my mind.
Anyways I am going to go to bed. Nothing to do. Its 8pm and the folks are already in bed watching telly. No one to talk to online, everyone is offline so I think i shall call it a night too. Get myself in bed with tartan zip up booties, hot water bottle, heated under blanket and not forgettting to put my teeth in a glass of water. Yeah, I feel old.
Bye for now.
Jason
Pain: 6/10
Depression: 11/10
Posted by Jason at 07:52 PM | Comments (1)
June 23, 2006
Does God Punish Suicide?
Warning: The following post talks about suicide, and some people may find the subject matter distasteful. In fact you shouldnt read this post at all so dont click the link below to get to the full post. Thanks.
As u know, Im not a religious person, but lately I have been wondering about the whole mortatlity and religion thing. This has been a very hard year so far, by far the worse as far as the pain goes, and suicide has been something I’ve contemplated a number of times. Ive written lists of pros and cons, planned it to the infinite detail so that I know how to do it when I make the decision to do it. When, or if, that is. That doesn’t mean Im convinced Im going to kill myself over the pain, even if my parents are, but im a bugger for pre-planning anything and everything. I have been a non believer of God and not at all religious for the majority of my life, if not all of it (I had it forced down my throat at school initially as I went to Church schools), but knowing my luck I’d kill myself, and find out I was totally wrong, that God does exist and end up in big big big trouble.
I was reading some stuff on chronic pain and suicide, and its actually scared me at how accurately it has described my current circumstances. One piece in particular has stuck in my mind. It said:
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”
As you’ve seen from my recent posts on here, Ive pretty much exhausted my resources for coping with pain, with the pain doctor admitting defeat, not being able to contact them, or get my meds reviewed etc, and so on. Does this make my suicidal though? Well, I certainly am at a crossroads. I hate my life. I am so lonely, so fed up, have never felt so isolated or so convinced that I will never beat the pain, and never ever be happy and find love etc.
This Chronic Pain & Suicide site also said:
“You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce
your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.”
To a degree I would agree with that. The non-agreement degree’s being the fact that that is all past-tense and history to me now. I have no new ways to reduce my pain. And I have no ways of increasing my coping resources.
The fact of the matter is this. If it weren’t for my parents, and probably two close friends that I have, I would not be here. If I lost my parents and the pain continued to get worse I don’t know if I would be able to carry on. Especially if I was as alone in my heart as I am now.
Speaking of alone in the heart – this is just a little diversion for a moment. Fucking Yahoo personals have signed up with Match.com, and are no longer doing their free service from Sept 06. Wanna know how much it will cost to use that site in Sept? Brace yourself…. £25UK a MONTH!!! Nearly a quid a day! To be ignored. I can get that at home for free, so why the hell pay for the priviledge? I think that that stinks. Talk about taking financial advantage of people who are lonely and sad and just wanting to improve their lives. Jesus.
Anyways, I digressed. So yes, if I found myself livin alone and still in pain then I would have absolutely no hesitation in killing myself. I think. I don’t know. Its hard to tell isn’t it. Maybe I’d feel differently then. Maybe my closest friends would become replacements for my Parents in a way, and then I’d feel the exact same way all over again. Or maybe the grief of losing them would be so much, that it would finally push the see-saw completely over. I expect that that would indeed be most likely the case, and that rational thought would no longer become the deciding factor, being replaces instead by grief-ridden reactionary impulses.
For some reason this past week I have felt especially alone. I don’t mind telling you that on a night I have gone to bed and cried with the pain and sadness and emptiness inside me, and then afterwards fallen asleep cuddling my pillow just to try n get some fucking comfort and feeling of….. I dunno what the word is.
No, stop laughing. Its true.
This week has seen a first for me. I wrote a letter to the Samaritans. Well, an email. I dint send it though. But in it I just completely vented. I started at the beginning and just waffled. It was a huge piece of text. It was more detailed than the journal entries, which I purposely keep vague as they are public. I really gave it my all. When I finished writing it, I just sobbed and sobbed on the bed. It was a release like none other I’ve had before from crying. But it was all too short. Im back to where I was that night. Would I get the same feeling of release if I mailed it? I don’t know. But even if I did, what would I do then for the next time I got that low?
There are no long term answers to my problems anymore now that the pain clinic has given up on the case. The pain fuels the depression which fuels an emotional pain which makes the physical pain seem ten times worse. It’s a complete catch 22, neverending circle of depression and pain that I cannot seem to break. I occasionally get a wee break from it, but the fact of the matter is that it never lasts long enough.
I do believe in mind over matter though. And I do know for a fact that if I woke up tomorrow morning and realised that I did in fact have a wife/partner/gf that the joy that would bring would likely obliterate the pain for months. So, if I could do that, why cannot I not achieve that same result by simple mind over matter. I don’t know the answer to that, but I do occasionally manage to ease the pain by using mind games and tricks, but the truth is that the pain is so severe now when it does break through that those just don’t work anymore, I cannot focus on anything but the sheer agony in my arse.
But Im a failure and a coward, so I don’t deserve to be free of the pain anyways, if you believe some of the mails this journal generates from one-off readers. There is only one thing that is guaranteed to break the pain cycle and ease the pain for good. And its governed by another catch 22. I’m scared of living with pain and emptiness for the rest of my life, but Im scared to kill myself and destroy my family. I can do neither. So I wont kill myself, but I cant live with my life. And therein lies the problem.
J.
Pain: 8/10
Depression: 10/10
Posted by Jason at 09:06 PM | Comments (2)
June 21, 2006
Move over Stig, Jason's here.
Little competion in this entry. Anyone who can leave a comment explaining what the title means, wins... a... umm... "well done" posting from me. The clue is that I'm down in the dumps today moodwise.
So, yeah, depression is really bad today. Tears and all that shit. So embarrassing. Its been deteriorating for 36 hours or so now. And I just KNOW that its going to get worse tomorrow for a fact. Why? Cos I see the psycologist for the three month review, and any one who reads this drivel regularly will know that Ive gone in there sobbing & suicidal and theyve sent me out with a three month review and instructions to phone them if it "gets bad". I always leave that appointment ten times worse than I go in. Ironic considering its meant to make me feel happier! Good ol' NHS! Gotta love 'em.
Fathers Day was a big success though. And that helped my mood a lot. I like being generous. It's seriously skinted me buying all the stuff for Dad but it was worth it. He loves the radio. Although it had a hiccup this morning, couldnt get it to switch on, but pulling out the power plug and putting it back in to reset it solved that problem. I upgraded the firmware on it too from the official radio companies website. You can see the radio I got him here. I got him the black one. Very nearly got him the shocking pink one for a joke, but at the last second decided against it. :)
Am very impressed with the quality of the sound on Digital Radio. After so many years of crackly hissy MW and slightly better FM signals, its awesome to hear absolutely crystal clear audio. Theres also a better selection of stations too, with more comedy and drama / varied-speech stations, rather than it all being carbon copy commercial-flooded pop stations.
The pain has been fluctuating this last few days since my last entry. One day its OK, just the always-there-achey-throb, and then other days its breaking through the pain killers all the time, and Im not getting more than 20 minutes break between each session. The weekend was horrific for it. 3 days it took to settle down back to my so-called-normal.
OK, im gonna call it a day on here. Am struggling to concentrate cos of the depression. Mind keeps wandering. Its taken me over an hour to write this little lot. Ive just had a 2 minute convo with my mum saying if I was ready for the appt tomorrow and i said how it was a waste of time, then she said "well you have to tell them this n that n the other", and I said "I have done, every time, and its the same result every time, they are gonna do nothing, its a waste of time tomorrow". And she screwed her face up n walked off like i'd slapped her in the face or summat. She probably cant even tell how deep the bloody depression is today.
It's funny. If anyone had asked me up until this last 12 months or so, who I was closer to, my mother or my father, I'd have said my Mum without hesitation. But now, it seems to have totally changed. Only Dad seems to be able to read when things are bad and he does try to help me, but mum, she just seems to get pissed off with me for being depressed. I swear she sees depression as failure or something. Its hard to explain. Failure isnt the right word, but it is something like that I think.
When u get no fun out of life, everyday is a painful hell on earth experience to get through, u get no sleep, and have no life, no love, no money, no work, and no hope of things getting better for the immediate to near-distant future, then you have to ask yourself just why you are here. I've asked myself that today and not for the first time. And I still cant answer it as I couldnt the first time I asked it. I dont know why. Its certanly not a case of me being here for me ie to live my life for ME (for fun, to enjoy it etc), thats for sure.
Will see u all another time. Think I might go to bed and ride the depression through. Will go and cuddle my pillow. Thats the closest I get to physical contact these days when things are bad like this.
Bye for now,
Jason.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 9/10
Posted by Jason at 07:10 PM | Comments (1)
June 17, 2006
So so so fed up
Its the weekend again. Im bored. Have been in a lot of pain since yesterday, not had hardly any sleep overnight, and today its been full of breakthrough pain. Im amazed Im on here personally but I am so fucking bored its untrue. Friends are all out n about n busy, nothing on telly. Come online and my messenger lists are barron and lifeless, so when all else fails and theres no one to talk to, talk to yourself. Or rather, make a journal entry.
So, yeah, the pain is bad. At this moment, its aching and thumping, im fidgeting on the chair. I should be laying down, but I just cant settle, and I've got to do something.
It's fathers day here tomorrow. I think it is in the states too, and Canada. Im looking forward to it. Ive bought my Dad a Digital radio as he isnt a fan of tv, esp now he finds it difficult to watch with his eyes etc, so Im hoping that he will be finding more enjoyment in radio. Also got him a load of sentimental old novelties - aww. To be honest, I put my folks through a lot. My friends included. Not intentionally. But anyone who genuinely likes can not help but be affected by seeing me in pain, and this is especially true of my folks who see it day in and day out. I am a tactile person, but I do not live in a tactile family, so I rarely get to express just how much my folks mean to me, how much I love them, and appreciate what they have done for me, and given up for me. I intend to make sure they know that from now on, every oppotunity I get. Same for my close friends.
What else has been going on this week? Well, to be honest, not a lot. Im running out of things to say.
Oh yeah. I should actually clarify one thing. About the last post I made. My bestest real world friend Emma asked me what I meant by being scared of being alone for the rest of my life once my folks are gone, when I will have my friends for many years after that.
Now, that is a good point, and I do understand that, but I guess when I say "alone" I mean not only family-wise, or co-habitually speaking, but more so in my heart. That is what would truly kill me. Or to put it another way, if i died either not in a supposed long-term/presumed-rest-of-life relationship, or unmarried, then I would consider my life to be the ultimate failure. That meaning, that the true me was never complete, as I would know that I was never truly happy in it be it physically, emotionally or spiritually. I am always happiest with someone close. Just the way I am. Thats not quite what Im trying to say. Im finding it difficult to put in to words, but thats the basic jist of it. And thats why I was saying that it doesnt mean I'd jump in with the first slapper to look at me, it would still have to be someone I connected with and so on. Although I feel desperately lonely, it doesnt mean id be driven to acts of desperation to counter it.
Can u tell my depression is bad tonight? Im waffling again arent I? Thats always a sign that im depressed. Some ppl shut up and say nothing. And I do do that in REAL LIFE situations when depressed, but when on IRC or boards or journals etc I get this overwhelming urge to waffle, as if the readers themselves can pick up on the huge gaps Im having between paragraphs where im thinking of what to say. Heh. Sad, isnt it. Oi, yer not meant to agree!
*sulks now*
No, dont u come lookin down here for more waffle... im still sulking!
*still sulks*
OK, enough sulking. Im making myself look even sadder.
I used to have a saying: "Always leave 'em laffing". I "used to" as its rare I use it now, and so in the spirit of that I am going to leave you all with a couple of email funnies that I've been sent this week, which have made me laugh - a very hard thing to achieve considering the week I've had, what with the pain clinic and all!
So, first up, a funny little animated movie, detailing the history of the Schitt family. (Thank you to my great pal kathy for forwarding this to me.)
http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/JackSchitt/Jack_Schit.htm
Finally, here is a mail thats about the differences between a dog's diary, and a cats. (Thank you to my bestest Canadian Hun Danaé for sending me this.)
=========================================
As seen in a dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan...There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..my Time.....The Cat
=========================================
*signs off this journal entry with the smug satisfaction that you are chuckling*.
Until next time....
Jason.
Pain: 6/10 (peak: 9/10)
Depression: 7/10
Posted by Jason at 08:48 PM | Comments (0)
June 13, 2006
So the big day arrived....
... and I saw the Pain Doctor. Had he received the letter from GP? Had he read it? What did he have to say about it? What does he plan to do about it? Well, all these questions and more shall be answered in this, the next exciting edition of my journal.
No, he hadnt received it. And thus all the other questions become moot points. Good ol'd NHS. I gave him a run down of what I was complaining about, and it was clearly all news to him. The nurse I saw last time who had made the errors has since left the hospital, but he said he'd have a word with the reception staff about it too. I wont hold my breath.
He's fobbed me off onto another doctor anyways. Same hospital, but a spinal injuries pain management consultant. They said that unless I have the spinal operation then I am at the end of the road as far as pharmaceutical pain relief goes. But he also said "If you are going to stubbornly refuse to even entertain the operation then Im wasting my time referring you, as well as yours."
Am I being stubborn? Thats the question Ive been asking myself over the last 24 hours or so. I suppose to answer that question i need to fully understand what the word means....
stub·born Audio pronunciation of "stubborn" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (stbrn)
adj. stub·born·er, stub·born·est
1. Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bullheaded.
1.2. Firmly resolved or determined; resolute. See Synonyms at obstinate.
2. Characterized by perseverance; persistent.
3. Difficult to treat or deal with; resistant to treatment or effort: stubborn soil; stubborn stains.
As defined at Dictionary.com.
Looking at that I suppose under 1.2 then yes I am stubborn. As I am firmly resolved and determined not to find myself in a wheelchair from another operation - only this time on the nerves - going wrong and leaving me in a worse state than before!
I still though dispute I am being stubborn. I say im terrified of it failing and going wrong, which has been the sum total of all the surgery ive had in the last 8 years. Its not as if Ive got a grand precident set ahead of me is it.
My depression has been very bad the last 24 hours too. At one point my Mother who was in the consulting room with me said "so, thats it then, you're saying were at the end of the road excluding that operation and that this is as good as his life will get, and how he's gonna have to live it for the next 40 years or so?"
He just shrugged n nodded saying "yeah, at the moment." To which she said "he will never last that long" - referring to the fact that she knows Ive had suicidal tendencies this past year with the pain going untreated.
*sigh*
Told him that my driving license was history because of his drugs. As if u remember he was convinced it was the pethidine that caused the fit, and the methadone that is causing the jerks. He didnt flinch. Not interested.
He's not altered the medication either. I suppose his hands are tied. He's just passing the buck to his mate.
What do I hope the new pair of eyes will do? Well, a couple of things.
Either...
1. Increase the methadone by 5ml morning and night. That would give me an estimated 2 months of reduced pain until I became tolerant to that increase. (Based on past increases).
OR
2. Swap the opiate for another drug.
AND
3. Arrange a spinal op referral appt in a Leeds hospital so i can discuss it futher with people nearer to me so that my mind is more focussed than it was the day I went to Hull and my arse was in fire trying at the same time to comprehend all these stats and figures about the op they proposed.
I guess the question is whether I think I could plod on like I am doing for 40 years or so if I turned down the op - presuming that theres no further advancement in pain management, which ofcourse there will be in that length of time. I think the answer would be no. Because i wouldnt get back to work, as I wouldnt get the all important "pain free" doctors letter to give back to my employers. I'd also be likely single and alone, which scares me more than being in pain for all that time. Esp once my folks are gone. Doesnt mean i'd rush out n propose to the very first slapper to look at me, far from it, Id still want to do it right and properly ie someone who I like and likes me, have a connection with, all that usual stuff, which is probably why I do see myself as being single for the rest of my life.
I think I could cope with anything with someone behind me. But alone. Nope. No way. Couldnt do it. And therein lies the problem of why i dont think i'd last the 40 years in the current state.
Anyways thats the update for now. Will post more happier stuff later on. When it happens. No holding your breath though now, ya hear! Can do without being sued for asphixiation of website visitors. Thank you kindly. :P
Bye for now,
Jason.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 8/10
Posted by Jason at 06:29 PM | Comments (0)