September 30, 2005
Byeeeeeeee!
Im now away until Oct 7th 2005 ish, so no new entries will be made until after that date - unless I come home early with medical problems.
Have a great week everybody.
J.
Posted by Jason at 08:32 PM | Comments (0)
September 29, 2005
Time to start packing
Its time to start packing I guess. But I cant get into the swing of it tonight. Its been a rough ish day in everyway. I will do it all tomorrow. Ive got the clothes all ready to go, just go to pack them up, along with some books and stuff to read while there. Forecast is average for the week so fingers crossed we might not get too much rain during it.
Lucys bag is all packed. Got her bowl. Got her towel. Got her tins of food and her biscuits. Got her ball. Got her toys. And most importantly we've got her bed all set to go too. She knows something is going on, as bags are appearing in the house, and so she's following everyone around to make sure shes not left out, and is laying down by the doorways so that if anyone tries to leave theyve got to get past her first. Bless her.
More trouble in the chat room today. Am really gettin sick of the place now. Why cant people just understand that access to a chat room - ANY chat room, not just mine - is a priviledge, and not a right, and therefore if you get excluded/banned for a period of time its for a reason. Ironically enough, the person kicking up the fuss this time was banned a few weeks ago for just 24 hours - which is the least length of time Ive ever banned anyone in there, and I even explained to him why before I activated the kickban and made it clear he could come back after the day was over. As it was the ban was removed after approx 6 hours. But that is irrelevent really now.
So, once again the sniping and bitching continues. Ive only been back a fortnight myself online and already my bp is prolly sky high again when Im in there, never knowing where the next snipe and bitchy remark and complaint will be coming from.
Im lookin into gettin more people involved in the running of the chat room instead of just the current ops that we have now. We're stretched too thin and theres too many times when theres no one around with their finger on the control buttons. Trouble is though, how on earth can u encourage people to help run a channel when shit like this last month in #ostomyland has been going on.
Anyways, we shall see.
For every awkward moment in the chat room though there is nearly always one lovely moment. There was a guy in tonight who had had a Uro for 18 years or so and was so happy to have found the site, and the chat room. People saying things like that make the bad times endurable for sure.
Well, im going to go and lay down, pain is building up again. If I dont post tomorrow then I'll be back after October 7th. See you all then.
Bye for now.
J.
Posted by Jason at 06:22 PM | Comments (1)
September 28, 2005
Forgot to post yesterday....
.....slap my wrists will u please somebody? Thank you.
The pain has been fluctuating over the last 24 hours or so which has been making things hard to focus on things at home etc or on the computer.
Someone asked me todaywhat the pain was like and the only way I could describe it was this... "its like a red hot poker has been shoved up into the rectal cavity and every nerve ending and muscle fibre up there is gripping onto it for grim death as if my life depended on it". Thats the breakthrough pain I experience. It can last for days. The other pain I have is an aching tub thumping type of feeling in the same area that is constant, it never goes away, only the painkillers mask it.
Im going away on Saturday for a week. The folks are going on holiday to northumberland and Im going too because I just dont think Im well enough to stay at home alone if I can avoid it. The journey will probably kill me, but at least if I have problems I have my folks there. If I have them at home im on my todd. Not a very pleasant experience.
So I'll be gone from Oct 1st to Oct 7th inclusive.
Had an afternoon nap today cos I didnt get much sleep during the night with the pain. I didnt intend to have a nap, it just kinda... happened. :) I was feeling fuzzy from the painkillers, so I put the Lost season 1 dvd set on the dvd player and laid on the bed to watch it. Next thing I know its like four hours later. :/
Betya this means I dont sleep much tonight now! Its a viscous circle!
Anyways going to go. Really nothing exciting has happened today and I dont want to keep boring people with me droning on about depression.
So, bye for now people.
J.
Pain: 4/10
Depression: 6/10
Posted by Jason at 04:48 PM | Comments (1)
September 26, 2005
What a difference 24hours make
After plumbing the depths of my life at home yesterday, things today have been so much difference. I think that everyone finally bouncing everyones frustration and anger and misery off each other has helped to clear the air up a bit.
Now, dont get me wrong, the three of us are still the same as yesterday by our selves in our own ways, but together the atmosphere is markedly lighter, which does go someway towards making my life easier.
My dad and I are especially closer now it seems than we have been in years.
Pain wise, this are the same. I had to go out this morning and on the way home in the car I had a massive pain breakthrough attack, and I can only thank god that I dont drive, as I would have undoubtedly crashed the car. It was horrific and took 3 hours to ease. It left me totally exhausted after it too.
My "Lost" Season 1 DVD box set arrived from amazon.com this morning. THe cost of it was just over the import tax freebie limit, so I had to pay import duty on it. The import duty was £4.45. But the Royal Mail has also charged me £4 for them to pay the customs on my behalf! So its cost me £8.45 more than it needed too really. The bloody cheek of it. I dont mind paying th eimport tax, but the royal mail fee was a bit of a low blow. Especially considering their service is so crap it took them FIVE BLOODY DAYS to get the packet from the London Customs office to my home!
Anyways im off to bed, the pain is starting to get aggravated again, i must have been sat on this seat too long.
Gnight all.
J.
Posted by Jason at 09:28 PM | Comments (1)
September 25, 2005
An emotional and stressful morning
This wont be a very long entry. I havent got the energy to type it all out. Instead Im going to copy and paste a conversation I had with one of my friends this morning which explains what has happened today to make it so stressful and emotional, and what Im considering doing with the aid of my folks, just why I cant face making a long entry today.
The name of my friend has been removed, as I've not asked their permission to post this conversation and theres marginal editing for claritys sake.
Click on continue to start reading the conversation log.
==============================================
[12:00] « My Friend » u any better?
[12:00] « jason|brb » been a bad morning
[12:00] « My Friend » awww I'm sorry
[12:00] « My Friend » i was concerned when u went
[12:00] « jason|brb » got into a row with my mum
[12:00] « My Friend » ackkkkkk
[12:01] « My Friend » just what u didn't need
[12:01] « jason|brb » was my fault, not hers
[12:01] « My Friend » oh right, i see
[12:01] « jason|brb » went downstairs to throw outsome magazines after the row
[12:01] « jason|brb » came back in and lost it
[12:01] « My Friend » ohhhhh
[12:01] « jason|brb » told them about the pros and cons list
[12:02] « jason|brb » told them exactly how i felt
[12:02] « jason|brb » inbetween sobbing that is
[12:02] « My Friend » yeah :(
[12:02] « My Friend » you were right to tell them tho
[12:02] « jason|brb » never seen my dad so upset or crying before
[12:03] « jason|brb » he hugged me so tight
[12:03] « My Friend » awww bless him
[12:03] « My Friend » well that just shows u how much u mean to them
[12:03] « My Friend » and how much he loves u
[12:03] « jason|brb » was an emotional hour or so
[12:03] « jason|brb » for all
[12:04] « My Friend » yeah it would be
[12:04] « My Friend » but I'm so glad u told them
[12:05] « jason|brb » im thinking over whether to leave the site or not
[12:05] « jason|brb » with my folks
[12:05] « My Friend » think carefully
[12:05] « jason|brb » if i did i wouldnt kill it
[12:05] « jason|brb » just walk away and take a back seat
[12:06] « My Friend » you have to decide whats best for you
[12:06] « My Friend » and whetehr the plusses outweigh the minuses
[12:06] « jason|brb » yes
[12:07] « My Friend » I know it causes u stress
[12:07] « My Friend » but it's also a "place of work" for u
[12:07] « jason|brb » its causing more than ever now because i mstarting to get affected by other ppls stories, i cant wal away from them like i used to.
[12:07] « jason|brb » but also when people do improve its nice to see it but its hurting me more and more each time because I just cant help myself.
[12:07] « My Friend » thats because you're feeling so depressed yourself
[12:08] « My Friend » yeah i understand
[12:08] « jason|brb » i can help people ill never meet or hear from again, but i cant help myself for the sake of my family.
[12:08] « My Friend » you need to decide if what you get out of it is worth it
[12:09] « jason|brb » yes
[12:09] « My Friend » think about how you feel when you're completely offline
[12:09] « My Friend » do you feel better then?
[12:09] « jason|brb » no.
[12:09] « jason|brb » but by leaving the site i dont mean going offline
[12:09] « jason|brb » i mean just leaving the site
[12:09] « My Friend » yes i undertsand
[12:10] « My Friend » I'm not trying to tell u what to do btw
[12:10] « My Friend » just giving u some food for thought
[12:10] « jason|brb » yes
[12:11] « My Friend » I'm trying to say that i do understand
[12:12] « My Friend » have you thought about developing another site....not health related?
[12:12] « My Friend » i know you've the games one u told me about
[12:13] « jason|brb » this is the only site i have now
[12:13] « jason|brb » am no longer involved with any others.
[12:14] « My Friend » ah ok
[12:14] « jason|brb » had to hand them over when i was offline for so long
[12:14] « My Friend » everyone here has a problem of some sorts
[12:14] « My Friend » I see
[12:14] « My Friend » if u developed another area that wasn't health related u wouldn't be hearing about problems all the time
[12:15] « jason|brb » true. but i really dont have the energy or desire to start from scratch on a new project
[12:16] « My Friend » I know, it's hard going
[12:16] « My Friend » what do you feel like doing, right now?
[12:17] « jason|brb » falling in love, gettin laid, winning the lottery and running off somewhere nicer than here
[12:17] « jason|brb » failing that, just running away from it
[12:18] « My Friend » okay, fair enough.....
[12:18] « My Friend » :)
[12:19] « jason|brb » just been told lunch in 5
[12:19] « My Friend » ok :)
[12:19] « jason|brb » so i should get going.
Posted by Jason at 01:43 PM | Comments (1)
September 24, 2005
Day of rest mostly
I guess the title says it all today. Ive just been resting most of the day. Had a bit of pain this morning that was difficult for a couple hours, but I took some tramadol with my lunch that helped to calm that down a little bit. Also made me sleepy so I slept through most of the afternoon.
Played about an hour of World of Warcraft first thing this morning after my breakfast and Id sorted out the mails. Most of the mail this morning is revolving around a problem in the chat room with some people from outside the channel sending messages to people inside the channel in private. Abusive messages too. So we're thinking on how to handle that at the moment.
Played about an hour of World of Warcraft first thing this morning after my breakfast and Id sorted out the mails. Most of the mail this morning is revolving around a problem in the chat room with some people from outside the channel sending messages to people inside the channel in private. Abusive messages too. So we're thinking on how to handle that at the moment.
My friend called around to pick up the Mary Poppins bootleg this morning too, which was when the pain increase was on. The folks were out of the house shopping again too.
The depression isnt too bad today overall. Its been a bust-up free day at home with the folks, which has helped at lot I think. Im hoping that if I have a good nights sleep tonight Ill have a similar day tomorrow and the start of the long road back to happydom has finally revealed itself. But we shall see. Im not counting any chickens. Mainly cos I havent got any chickens. But even if I did, I wouldnt be counting them. Much.
I suppose I should go. I intend to moderate the weekly chat meet tonight so I need to get myself psyched up and psyched out and bevvied up for it. Powerful stuff that orange juice you know. Can send a guy flying.
Laters people. Bye for now.
J.
Pain: 4/10
Depression: 4/10
Posted by Jason at 06:34 PM | Comments (0)
September 23, 2005
Coffee Wars
Had a row with my mum this morning in town. I was taken out shopping, sill yme thought it was a regular shopping trip, where we go to the shops, i go my way, they go theirs. We meet up in Marks n Spencer coffee shop, I usually get there first so pay for my drink, and they come an hour later and pay for theirs.
Just before we went our seperate ways in town my mum says "are you gonna pay for the coffee today then or what?" - now, I'd just given her £137 on Monday which consisted of £120 rent, and a few bits n bobs I owed, from 50% vet bills, 50% of the dogs new coat and so on. So, I was a bit taken aback by this. As they know its a touch subject with me. At times I feel like Im just a cash cow to them, and at other times I feel really ashamed that I have to be so tight because I just havent got much money to bandy around like that.
So I say to Mum "I gave u hundred n forty quid on monday, wheres all that gone?" and she says "thats your rent. Whens the last time u bought us coffee? How many coffees have we bought you in the last month?" (the answer to that is two btw). She really made me out to be really tight. In the past when I have offered to pay for coffee voluntarily its been turned down every time. I only get £160 every two weeks for gods sake. And £120 of that is rent every time!
So, instead of arguing further in the street, I just walked off. When they came to the coffee shop I put the money on the tray for them, and she says "no i dont want it. You keep it". In my mind I was saying "you cna dman well take it, yer not makin gme feel like n shit and NOT taking the money!" This £3.40 went back n forth across the table for like ten minutes. I felt like saying "so if u didnt want the money in the first place why did u do that in the street? to just make me feel like shit then or what????" but I didnt.
They know I am depressed, and that I have low self esteem. They dont know Ive been thinking of killing myself though. However I dropped a few hints with my dad today in a conversation, and he picked up on them. Theyve both been nice as pie to me since then.
To top off the morning out in style, I had a pain breakthru attack on the way out of the supermarket and ended up in a heap sobbing on the back seat of the car. One day Ill have a trip out go well. One day.
Am currently trying to burn a couple of copies of Mary Poppins Musical London Cast dvd bootlegs for Emma - my friend from a few streets over. Damn DVD Drive keeps locking on this second disc for some reason. Its just a bootleg so its not copy protection thats causing it. Its most odd. Has cost me 4 discs so far this session. Grrr.
My folks got the dehumidifier theyve been wanting for so long. Ten percent days at Homebase... gotta love them. Anyways its been in the basement about 6 hours now and its already dragged well over 3 pints of water out of the atmosphere. So goes to show how damp it is down there.
Its a week tomorrow til we go on holiday - just off up the northern end of the country to Northumberland - Seahouses area. My mum has a bug in her bonnet about seein Holy Island, so off we go. Id rather stay here. More comfortable, then a tin can caravan. *sigh* I should quite complaining, some ppl dont get a holiday.
Anyways im not gonna be long out of bed tonight. Am really tired. So shall sign off here I think. Have a good night y'all.
Bye for now,
J.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 7/10
Posted by Jason at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2005
Pros and Cons
Part of he following entry discusses a topic that may make some people feel distressed, or upset. Suicide. Therefore I am suggesting that anyone of that nature does not click on the continue reading link below, which is where this post begins proper.
You have been warned.
===========================================================================================
Still here? OK, I shall begin.
Remember my Jaffa cake obsession? I talked about it in previous entries on the previous journal, so only regular readers or chat room visitors will know of my love of the jaffa cake. Well, I finally kicked the habit. I’m not longer addicted to them. I’m addicted to lemon bon bons instead now.
A couple days ago, I had a long conversation with a RL friend about the situation im experiencing now. I was brutally honest and frank, and we tried to come up with as many ideas as possible as to what I could do to try and ease the pain and get better healthcare. Even suggested getting the other docs to gang up on the pain team to get them to say “hey we cant do our job when his pain is like this”, but already tried that one too. Tried MPs and government and all that. There’s just nothing left.
Then my friend said, well if it continues to get worse and worse then maybe you should compile a list of pros and cons. Im sure you don’t need me to explain as to which pros and cons im talking about. It was quite distressing to find that when I sat down and wrote them down this afternoon I came up with 21 pros, and only 7 cons. One of the cons being the rather pathetic fact that I’d lose my £20 deposit on the new Xbox 360 I’ve got ordered for Dec 2nd when they are released. Yes, sad isn’t it.
Anyways, you may think - crumbs 21 to 7 thats pretty bad. But whilst the pro's out number the cons significantly, they do NOT out weigh them, and its made me realise that suicide is not for me. At least not at this time. Who knows in a few years time. Im sure things would be very much different if my folks werent here.
As you can probably tell by the topic of conversation the depression is very bad again today. It did lift a little yesterday but I had a very bad morning with pain breakthroughs leaving me in a lot of pain and distress for a number of hours that has knocked me back to square one.
What I don’t understand is why I am where I am. I mean, I know why I am, MRSA ate away the nerves and so I have pain. But I don’t understand why it should happen to me. I made all the right decisions to have the right treatment. I should be 90% fit and active now, living a life of work and socialising, or dating a pretty girl, or marrying one and having a family. Instead, Im compiling a list and trying to determine if my life is worth £20 or not. God help me. I’m not a religious man, but Ive started praying. Hoping for divine intervention I guess.
Tomorrow, pain permitting, im going to drag myself shopping with my folks, and Im gonna go on a calorie pig out. And maybe even a bit of retail therapy. Some people may laff at the thought of retail therapy but for me anyways spending money on myself genuinely does make me feel better and brighter.
Lost season two started in the States last night. Am hoping to be able to watch it maybe tomorrow or the day after. Depending when I finally get my grubby mitts on it. Con #8 - wouldnt find out whats at the bottom of that bloody hatch!!!
Regular readers may remember that I have a passion for MMORPG games on the PC - massively multiplayer role playing games - and that my game of choice was star wars galaxies. Well, Im afraid to say that while Ive been away from the site my galaxy has collapsed - ie my account was suspended when I knew I wasnt going to be on as much.
When I do get to play PC games now, ive found a new love. World of Warcraft - another MMORPG but its much easier to just dip in and out off, yet still very rewarding if you dedicate the time to it. Ive got a level 36 warlock and a level 19 warrior at the moment. i'd like to get the warlock up to lvl 40 by end of october so that I get the damned horse! Until you are level 40 you have to run everywhere in WoW except for the occassional tram ride or ship ride etc. But once level 40 you get a steed that means your movement speed is +60%. When you max out your character at level 60 you get a new steed that +100% movement speed. Roll on Winter 4342 then, as thats how long it will take me to get to 60 lol.
For those wanting more on world of warcraft then you can visit the games official site at www.worldofwarcraft.com
Anyone who plays the game can find me "coolthud" on the Thunderhorn server. :P
OK im off. The dog is barking and I need to shut her up before the neighbours bitch up. Take care everyone, and bye the way, dont worry about me. My decision is made, im not doing anything stupid.
Bye now,
J
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 8/10
Posted by Jason at 06:31 PM | Comments (3)
Whats the title of your Autobiography?
If you wrote an autobiography, what title would you give it? This is a question I've asked over on the website message, which is taking replies on the subject. If you'd like to add your title to the list why not pop over to the message board post and hit that reply button?!
Heres what my proposed titles would be......
Lord of the Toilet Rings: The story of one mans struggle to avoid a life of servitude to the Toilet. A tale in three parts. namely....
1. The fellowship of the surgeons
2. The two pouches (1pc or 2pc?)
3. The return of the continence
-or-
Around the World in 80 daydreams: A lonely young man whiles away his frustration at the inadequcy of his life by dreaming up wonderous adventures in his mind
- Or-
Crime and Punishment: The crime? A botched operation. The Punishment.... oh, so many varied and painful ones!
Posted by Jason at 01:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 21, 2005
A slow lazy day
Have done very little today. Had a breakthrough pain attack at 5am, and by the time it had faded it was time to get up. Up until then I was managing to sleep reasonably well, although it took methadone and tramadol to do it.
Lucy is in a mood with me lately. With my struggling to sleep – and my folks just not being able to sleep with her in their room because of how she poddles around the room all night – shes been banished to the living room downstairs for the nights now. Last night was her second time down there, and shes totally ignoring me now. :/ Shes pulling the guilt strings quite nicely.
My mother had her blood pressure taken again this morning, and it turns out that it was reasonably ok all along. She had a suspicion that the machine at the doctors was giving false readings, so she went to the NHS Walk In Centre this morning, and got a readout on their high tech super duper machine, and like I say it was reasonably normal. Still doesn’t explain her symptoms but at least its not BP related now.
Fell asleep on the bed this afternoon. I really should stop that. I’ll never get into a sleep pattern on a night again if I sleep all the time in the afternoon. But if I don’t sleep on the night, Ill take it when I can get it. Viscous circle n all that.
Am back online for a cpl hours now. Gonna try n catch a friend on Yahoo Messenger before I log off for the night. The pain is back and increasing though so I don’t know if Im going to make the couple of hours last more than 30 mins. We shall have to wait and see.
That’s it for today. Short and sweet. Oh yeah, before I go. If anyone read yesterdays post and the picture wasn’t in it, well the I’ve added it now. I wont be held responsible for any “awwww”-ing you may do when you see it. Later on this week I hope to post an updated photo of me too on the site, but we’ll see about that. That’s a big step to take. :)
Take care.
J
Pain: 4/10 (but rising)
Depression: 5/10 (slight improvement over yesterday)
Current game: Fahrenheit (Xbox)
Posted by Jason at 06:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 20, 2005
Things must be bad if im back to writing stuff in here
(Edited Sept 21st 2005 - Photo link added)
Hey, where the heck y'all been? I've been sat here for nine months waiting for someone to stop by and to tell you the latest goings on in my life?! Oh, hang on, I left didnt I. Not you. Ahh. Whoops. My bad. Seriously though folks, I am sorry it's been so long. I never intended to be away from the site for as long as I have been, but things kind of got out of hand in RL and I needed to try and sort things out. Sadly theyre as bad now as ever, but I'll get into that in a minute.
For those of you who are new to the journal. Welcome. A word of warning. As always this journal focuses on my life. Its the none-sugar-coated version. A place for me to vent and get things out of my system. To whinge and moan. When good things happen, then they will be documented too. Aside from this you can also expect to read about the boring mundane crap that I do in my life.
As always the entries from 2004 are still here. You can access them by clicking on the relevent months listed under the "Story So Far" column featured down towards the bottom of the page. Occassional email reminders can also be set up for the journal to mail you every so often as I post an entry.
So, all that stuff aside, just whats been going on over 2005 for me? Well, pull up a pew, grab a cuppa and I shall begin.
I'm presuming everyone reading this knows about my health problems, so Im not going to go over old ground with them, but I will bring you up to date with the new stuff. Bowel wise, the blood is still coming and going. I still have the original disease and always will have.
Pain wise, things have been terrible. For the first half of the year I was sort of managing to cope OK on the whole with it. It wasnt easy, or fun, but I was managing. However, for some reason in the last 6 weeks or so, the pain has blown out of all proportion. I had nearly 6 weeks of constant unremitting pain, with three or four times as much breakthru pain as I would normally have. It was terrible. At the same time as this the wound at the back end started to puss out again with blood and muck. However more disturbing is the fact that at the same time my bladder started to malfunction. I'm either desperate as hell to go, and cant. Or I'm going and not knowing it, usually when not in the bathroom. If you catch my drift.
I cant help but wonder if something is still going on in the rectal cavity that is eating away at the nerves still. That would explain all the problems in one go. The bladder isnt a UTI problem. Theres also no MRSA though as of the last swab - I could do with a new one though to check its not back.
Fit-wise, ive been managing that on the whole. I just hope that coming back on the PC again for a bit longer each time doesnt start to bring them back on again - which is as you remember the reason I had to quit the site in the New Year.
The biggest problem - aside from the pain - is depression. I am struggling so much with that lately. The last couple weeks have been very bad, the last 48 hours have been the worst. I just cannot cope with the pain and the humiliation of doctors examinations and being at their mercy anymore. Im now 31. And Im nowhere in life. The pain has eaten away at what strength I have and I just havent got anything else left to give it.
Everytime I see the councellors they say the same thing. "Your depression is rooted to a physical problem, until you get rid of the physical problem we cannot get rid of the depression. Its not as if you are mental, then we could help you!" Well, I do actually think Im starting to go mental now with it. That is just such a cop out from them. It sucks.
I feel so empty inside now. So alone. Theres no strength left in me. No energy. No fun. And certainly no desire to live like this anymore.
I feel so lonely at home. Im living with my folks still of course. But I have very few friends in RL. Those I do have I maybe see for a couple of hours a week, if that. They are great, I love them both to bits, but once I close that front door and come back home, I feel overwhelmed by lonliness. This could all be my problem though. I'm reluctant to let people into the real me. Twice in my life I've attempted it. Twice I was immediately brokehearted.
For the majority of my childhood I was alone. Jus tme and my folks. I never really made friends at school and we lived out in the sticks so come the summer holidays I had to entertain myself for 12 weeks as the nearest friend was 75 miles away (I went to a privat eboarding school til I was 8). Being alone never used to bother me. I actually prefered it. But now, its terrifies me. I dont want to die alone.
Many nights over the last month I'd have given everything I owned to be have been able to cry myself to sleep, but I couldnt. At least then it would be a release. Yes, Im taking anti-depressants. Full strength, maximum dosage. Sometimes they work. But they havent been able to cope at all with the last month.
So you can see, depression is as big a problem as the pain now. I just cant cope anymore. And so, here I am, falling back on the old faithful idea of writing down my problems to at least try to get them out of my system, because I struggle so much to talk about them in a conversation with people. I just dont want people to see me like this. So I hide myself away from the world. Hoping things will improve. But they rarely do.
Im still lookin for the reason why this is happening to me. There has to be a reason. I thought i'd found the reason recently. But I hadnt. So i'm still looking.
I've come close to deleting my website and closing it all down a couple of times over the last year. It was never meant to be as much hassle as it can be. Its great that its helping so many people though. But is makes me so sad that while I can create something like that that helps so many other people, I can do nothing to help myself. Its all out of my hands nows, I've done absolutely everything I could think of to improve my situation. Im in the hands of the doctors now. Doctors who have all but given up on me. I need another opinions in nearly every field I'm a patient of, but Im scared to go get those fourth-opinoins (yeah, its really that many doctors down the line now) because that is the only last little bit of hope I've got left. And if they said that I really have expired all options then I lose that one bit of hope. And if I lose all hope, then I lose the will to stay here.
Oh yeah. A few of you know of the spinal operation the pain doc wanted me to have. It was a guinea pig situation, with a 50/50 chance of gettin a 40% reduction in pain and a 30% reduction in methadone. Well, a very similar operation was performed on city hospital this series. The woman had much better odds of pain relief than me, as the area affected was her kidneys and it was a specific pain procedure that they were doing on her (for me its a urinary incontience cure that they want to try on the nerves in the hope it will kill the pain because "in theory" it should work".
This poor woman was awake for all three hours of the operation - just as they want me to be. And she SCREAMED her way through it in agony as the surgeon was poking this 6inch needle into her spine area and kidneys. At one point they had to stop the operation because she was sobbing and totally unaware of where she was and what was going on. Id said to myself that I cant be a guinea pig anymore. Being a GP has left me in this situation. Being one again, with a spinal operation could leave me in a wheelchair and impotent and more incontinent than I already am. I just cant be a guinea pig anymore. So after seein that programme I turned down the operation officially. I'd need better odds before I committed myself to that.
Anyways im making myself more depressed than I was when I started this, and thats not the idea. So Im moving on.
Danae has moved away to another area of Canada now. We rarely get a chance to talk anymore which is really really sad. I miss the times we'd chat for hours online. Its been a few weeks since I last heard from her so I hope shes ok and doing well.
My folks are ok sort of. My dad has really gone back in this last few months. This is another reason Ive been so stressed at home. He needs a walking stick to get about now, and he's always so tired, feeling ill and so on. I swear his colour his changed, but hes been to see the doctor who says theres nothing they can do for him. Its osteoarthritis, he has to live with it as it continues to get worse. Gee that story sounds sooo familiar. Must be a family curse. From son to father... :/
Mums BP is thru the roof again. Shes having to have all sorts of tests and x-rays over the next week or so to find out what the heck is wrong with her. The doctor doesnt know. So, Im worried about that too.
Lucy is fine though. It was her birthday yesterday - 9 years young now!!!! - and she got taken to the pet shop to go get her present. Its a coat for the winter months. She looks soooo cute in it. I hope to be able to post a picture of it on here later on in the week maybe.
Edit: sept 21st 2005. Heres the photo, as promised: http://ostomysupport.info/jason/lucybdaypresent.jpg
So, thats my update. Now that that is out of the way, normal journal business shall resume tomorrow - ie me making occassional posts about what I've done with my day, how Im feeling, what im doing, whats happening in my life and so on.
And with that, im going to say goodbye. ive missed y'all, and hope to catch you all online soon in the near future.
Take care everyone.
Jase.
Pain: 5/10
Mood: Very sad
Posted by Jason at 06:01 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack