Diary of a Life with Chronic Pain v2.01

Fathers Day was a big success though. And that helped my mood a lot. I like being generous. It's seriously skinted me buying all the stuff for Dad but it was worth it. He loves the radio. Although it had a hiccup this morning, couldnt get it to switch on, but pulling out the power plug and putting it back in to reset it solved that problem. I upgraded the firmware on it too from the official radio companies website. You can see the radio I got him here. I got him the black one. Very nearly got him the shocking pink one for a joke, but at the last second decided against it. :)

Am very impressed with the quality of the sound on Digital Radio. After so many years of crackly hissy MW and slightly better FM signals, its awesome to hear absolutely crystal clear audio. Theres also a better selection of stations too, with more comedy and drama / varied-speech stations, rather than it all being carbon copy commercial-flooded pop stations.

The pain has been fluctuating this last few days since my last entry. One day its OK, just the always-there-achey-throb, and then other days its breaking through the pain killers all the time, and Im not getting more than 20 minutes break between each session. The weekend was horrific for it. 3 days it took to settle down back to my so-called-normal.

OK, im gonna call it a day on here. Am struggling to concentrate cos of the depression. Mind keeps wandering. Its taken me over an hour to write this little lot. Ive just had a 2 minute convo with my mum saying if I was ready for the appt tomorrow and i said how it was a waste of time, then she said "well you have to tell them this n that n the other", and I said "I have done, every time, and its the same result every time, they are gonna do nothing, its a waste of time tomorrow". And she screwed her face up n walked off like i'd slapped her in the face or summat. She probably cant even tell how deep the bloody depression is today.

It's funny. If anyone had asked me up until this last 12 months or so, who I was closer to, my mother or my father, I'd have said my Mum without hesitation. But now, it seems to have totally changed. Only Dad seems to be able to read when things are bad and he does try to help me, but mum, she just seems to get pissed off with me for being depressed. I swear she sees depression as failure or something. Its hard to explain. Failure isnt the right word, but it is something like that I think.

When u get no fun out of life, everyday is a painful hell on earth experience to get through, u get no sleep, and have no life, no love, no money, no work, and no hope of things getting better for the immediate to near-distant future, then you have to ask yourself just why you are here. I've asked myself that today and not for the first time. And I still cant answer it as I couldnt the first time I asked it. I dont know why. Its certanly not a case of me being here for me ie to live my life for ME (for fun, to enjoy it etc), thats for sure.

Will see u all another time. Think I might go to bed and ride the depression through. Will go and cuddle my pillow. Thats the closest I get to physical contact these days when things are bad like this.

Bye for now,

Jason.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 9/10