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June 13, 2006
So the big day arrived....
... and I saw the Pain Doctor. Had he received the letter from GP? Had he read it? What did he have to say about it? What does he plan to do about it? Well, all these questions and more shall be answered in this, the next exciting edition of my journal.
No, he hadnt received it. And thus all the other questions become moot points. Good ol'd NHS. I gave him a run down of what I was complaining about, and it was clearly all news to him. The nurse I saw last time who had made the errors has since left the hospital, but he said he'd have a word with the reception staff about it too. I wont hold my breath.
He's fobbed me off onto another doctor anyways. Same hospital, but a spinal injuries pain management consultant. They said that unless I have the spinal operation then I am at the end of the road as far as pharmaceutical pain relief goes. But he also said "If you are going to stubbornly refuse to even entertain the operation then Im wasting my time referring you, as well as yours."
Am I being stubborn? Thats the question Ive been asking myself over the last 24 hours or so. I suppose to answer that question i need to fully understand what the word means....
stub·born Audio pronunciation of "stubborn" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (stbrn)
adj. stub·born·er, stub·born·est
1. Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bullheaded.
1.2. Firmly resolved or determined; resolute. See Synonyms at obstinate.
2. Characterized by perseverance; persistent.
3. Difficult to treat or deal with; resistant to treatment or effort: stubborn soil; stubborn stains.
As defined at Dictionary.com.
Looking at that I suppose under 1.2 then yes I am stubborn. As I am firmly resolved and determined not to find myself in a wheelchair from another operation - only this time on the nerves - going wrong and leaving me in a worse state than before!
I still though dispute I am being stubborn. I say im terrified of it failing and going wrong, which has been the sum total of all the surgery ive had in the last 8 years. Its not as if Ive got a grand precident set ahead of me is it.
My depression has been very bad the last 24 hours too. At one point my Mother who was in the consulting room with me said "so, thats it then, you're saying were at the end of the road excluding that operation and that this is as good as his life will get, and how he's gonna have to live it for the next 40 years or so?"
He just shrugged n nodded saying "yeah, at the moment." To which she said "he will never last that long" - referring to the fact that she knows Ive had suicidal tendencies this past year with the pain going untreated.
*sigh*
Told him that my driving license was history because of his drugs. As if u remember he was convinced it was the pethidine that caused the fit, and the methadone that is causing the jerks. He didnt flinch. Not interested.
He's not altered the medication either. I suppose his hands are tied. He's just passing the buck to his mate.
What do I hope the new pair of eyes will do? Well, a couple of things.
Either...
1. Increase the methadone by 5ml morning and night. That would give me an estimated 2 months of reduced pain until I became tolerant to that increase. (Based on past increases).
OR
2. Swap the opiate for another drug.
AND
3. Arrange a spinal op referral appt in a Leeds hospital so i can discuss it futher with people nearer to me so that my mind is more focussed than it was the day I went to Hull and my arse was in fire trying at the same time to comprehend all these stats and figures about the op they proposed.
I guess the question is whether I think I could plod on like I am doing for 40 years or so if I turned down the op - presuming that theres no further advancement in pain management, which ofcourse there will be in that length of time. I think the answer would be no. Because i wouldnt get back to work, as I wouldnt get the all important "pain free" doctors letter to give back to my employers. I'd also be likely single and alone, which scares me more than being in pain for all that time. Esp once my folks are gone. Doesnt mean i'd rush out n propose to the very first slapper to look at me, far from it, Id still want to do it right and properly ie someone who I like and likes me, have a connection with, all that usual stuff, which is probably why I do see myself as being single for the rest of my life.
I think I could cope with anything with someone behind me. But alone. Nope. No way. Couldnt do it. And therein lies the problem of why i dont think i'd last the 40 years in the current state.
Anyways thats the update for now. Will post more happier stuff later on. When it happens. No holding your breath though now, ya hear! Can do without being sued for asphixiation of website visitors. Thank you kindly. :P
Bye for now,
Jason.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 8/10
Posted by Jason at June 13, 2006 06:29 PM