Diary of a Life with Chronic Pain v2.01

Ive been having really bad PC problems this last coulple of days. Ive had to reformat and reinstall my PC TWICE now, and thats a real pisser. As it stands right now Ive just finished the second reformat in two days and i am running in the bare minimum software. Namely windows XP, mcaffee virus scan n firewall, crappy old IE browser, and my network card drivers so that I can access the net thru the router. Its all fun fun fun.

I really needed to get online to make a post in this today. I am feeling so bloody terrible today. I wasnt going to come on the PC at all today as I was in too much pain from yesterday and the first time I reformatted etc - it took five hours! But Ive had to come on, to talk things thru, and so hence ive spent the last hour putting on the bare minimum to come online here. God, I must be nuts.

My depression has plummeted. It wasnt great before but at the same time it wasnt bad. But this last 24 hours its really gone through the floor. Its the worst ive felt all year and Im struggling to cope with it today. I feel so sad. So alone and lonely. Totally empty inside. Yeah its that old loveless chestnut again piled on top of the old pain-all-day-n-night chestnut . I guess Im just gettin scared that there is no one out there interested in me, or likely to be interested in me, and that Ill never be free of this pain. Or rather that I'll never find said person. I used to think that being alone was something I could happily deal with "it dont bother me, not at all".... but well, im finding out it DOES bother me. And now Im starting to get terrified deep down.

As Ive said before I think in here, its not as if Im a prime catch. OK I can hold a conversation, and like to think that my personality is OK. But thats about it in the positives dept. No money. No job. No prospects of getting one in with my health. Hospitals and Doctors not remotely interested in my case for that to be reveresed. Ive never felt so isolated in my healthcare as I do right now, but thats another story.

My family is not the most tactile family in the world. We arent really big into hugging. The last time I was hugged by my dad was last year when I broke down. before that, I was a child I think. Same with my mum, we only really hug on birthdays n christmas'. The fact is that I have felt what its like to be loved. To know that when I got up in the morning I was thinking of someone specific and they were thinking of me. That we'd get together n just hang out. Not to do something special but just to be together. And we'd cuddle n hug n kiss, and I felt great and really really happy. I lost all that, a lot of it because I got ill, and Ive NEVER had it back since then. And its killing me.

I guess the level of my fear that I may never be that special someone to someone else, is measured by the fact that I signed up for a personals website. One response that got, and it was not good as Ive already talked about this week.

My life is passing me by. Im going to be 32 soon. I know everyone over 32 reading this will be disgusted I think that old. Its not that I think it old, its that as each year goes by my chances of getting those feelings back and finding love with someone is waning. And each year with pain is increasing. It will be 5 years this year.

This afternoon I felt so alone, and empty inside. I desperately wanted to cry to get this out of my system but I couldnt. I guess I hoped that if I came on here and wrote it all out it would depress me enough to find that release. The trouble with that is that it can backfire and you dont find the release and just make yourself feel worse. Well, im not crying. Fucking hell, this life sucks. I have a lot to be greatful for in my life and Im sure people think Im being selfish as there are people a billions times worse off than me, but to me right now in this situation, this is the worst I myself have ever been. I hate being like this. I hate myself for getting like this. I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic that I cant deal with this better.

The pain has been real bad this last 36 hours or so. All my fault though, I spent those five hours on the computer chair, and its crippled my butt. that just compounded what I knew about the fact that I couldnt return to work yet (im writing this by laying on the bed with the beyboard cable stretched). I cant stand the pain stabbing at my nerves and tissue in the rectal cavity. The slighest pressure on the anal wound (from sitting on it or whatever) sends a shooting pain up to that problem area, as its only about an inch or so inside my butt that the problem area is. So close. I dont know how much damage that bastard MRSA infection has done, but watching lumps of tissue fall out of my butt as I was showering in the hospital with the wound open scared me then, and now with the situation im in it terrifies me, as it will never be fixable. Never.

If it wasnt for my folks and a couple of friends, this afternoon I would have killed myself. I lay on the bed, thought it through, and had it all worked out exactly how I would do it. Id take 150mg of amytriptiline, and wait an hour. That would drowse me up a lot. I know that 150mg puts me to sleep in 90 minutes from when I was preseribed them and the fact that Ive been off them for a couple of years means I would be asleep first time - ironically they are anti depressants. At the 60 minute mark I drink a bottle of methadone over the half an hour remaining, and go to bed and sleep. Job done. No pain anymore. No depression anymore.

OK thats done it. Am bawling now.