Diary of a Life with Chronic Pain v2.01

.../ Cont.

The depression has been up and down a lot. Last couple of days its been up and Ive been ok. That combined with the fact that Ive had no real breakthru pain in a couple of days means that I have had a couple of reasonably normal days for once, and it was great. I got out for a while, saw some friends, went to a couple of places on May Day etc. Then like a cruel punishment its all back at square one. Major BT pain yesterday evening and this morning, and my mood has just sunk thru the floor. Ive said it before, and Ill say it again - its like someone is saying "here's what yer missing! You want it? You want it??? Well you can have it!" and I spend 24 hours loving what I see... then its "OK thats enough, you dont think Im gonna let you enjoy yourself too much do ya!!!!!!" and I spent a month in the pits of pain hell. It just fucking STINKS!

Ive had very little to do with the site lately. I must thank all the admins and ops on the site for doing so much in my absense. Without them the site would close. Especially Kathy who is a Saint with her own problems in life but marches on unpreturbed nevertheless.

For some reason my depression is exceptionally bad today - and this is very odd for a first day of a bad patch. It isnt normally this bad, but it feels as bad as the peak of the last six months when I was discussing suicide in here. I am not there by the way - at least not at the moment, but unless something spectacular happens with the pain clinic happens in June I might well find myself back at that cross roads as I cant continue on like this indefinitely.

I was saying to my folks the other day that Ive never felt so isolated in my health care as I do at the moment. Trying to get appt's with people is like trying to get thru to God with a can of beans a piece of string. Just not happening. Im STILL waiting for the pain clinic to contact me. I am tempted to phone up next week and leave a real bitchy message on their answer phone to see if they bother to reply to that, because they sure as hell dont reply to polite messages asking about cancellations. OK they dont need to respond to all of my messages- five were left - but at least they could phone once and say "ok we're getting your message, we cant reply ro each one, but we are getting them and as soon as an appt is available on a day youve enquired we will of course tell you". But nooooo, they just ignore you despite saying they WILL get back to you! Its a huge fuckng joke that place. Somehow I think that if the people who worked there were in the same pain as their patients are in, then they too would not be satisfied with that level of "care". Not to mention the nurses who promises to phone back within 24 hours with updated medical details and NEVER does! And then makes an appointment with the WRONG person!!!!

I dont know why really but Ive been gettin more and more concerned about my parents mortatlity. I am terrified of losing them. Dad esp isnt great at the moment. Mum isnt either, but I dont think its anything untooward other than being older now. But dad he is lookin so pale and gaunt in the face these days. Every day he seems to struggle more and more without his walking sticks, and his memory is definitely getting very much worse. Some days he's sharp as a tack. Other days he cant work out the change he needs for the machine. I would miss them so much, and I dont know how I would manage without them. That is very selfish of me I know. I cant rely on them forever, hell at nearly 32 I shouldnt be relying on them AT ALL! But I am.

Ohh yeah, lol. I got a reply to my Yahoo Personal ad. Jeez. I wont go into details as I think it would be very offensive of me to make fun of the person who did reply, as she is no doubt in the same boat as me and doesnt deserve it when shes just trying to look for company too. But lets just say that the match was completely wrong, and she definitely hadnt read my profile well enough, or had decided to just ignore certain parts. Thing is that I felt really bad turning the request for contact down. :(

Im hoping to get out this weekend, albeit just for a few hours. A good friend of mine has asked me if I want to go to an Antiques fair with her and her mother. Ive provisionally said yes, will see how I feel on the day. Emma is a good friend. She has lots of her own problemsin life, but still has time to listen to me prattle on, and is always asking if I want to go here or go there, or do this or do that, for something to do. She means a lot to me, I think Id prolly be lost without her too now. Shes great. And shes always buying Lucy toys, which always goes down well with the fuzzy one.

Poor ol' Lucy. Shes not been herself this last couple of weeks. Shes come out in a really nasty dermatological rash. We knew that Westies can suffer really badly with skin complaints - they even have their own skin complaints named after them! - but in her ten years shes never really had any bad spells. Just the odd little spot here or there that has snuck up on her, and a day of cream solves it. But not this time. This time she has had a 2" square patch of a rash. And this time it was under her fur. So, we've had to cut her fur back and deal with the rash on her behind, next to her tail. Needless to say its been really itchy for her, so shes been carpet surfing for England all week. Every hour or so Ill hear this grunting noise and I look around see her flying around the room on her butt with her back legs sticking up in the air, trying to scratch the itch that is causing her problems. Bless her. Shes been really un happy with it, theres been a definte mood change in her lately, but thankfully as the rash has been improving (were getting on top of it) shes been getting back to her usual self.

Anyways its 9pm. Im gonna quit this here for tonight. Will maybe post again soon, depending on what happens and how things go.

J.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 8/10