« Plodding. Plodding. Plodding. With heavy boots and heavy heart. | Main | Back up n running »
March 18, 2006
And so here I am again.
One week since my last post, and the depression is just as bad. It’s been a tearful week. Not that I’ve been talking about it online, just been very quick vague answers about it when asked. I found last night to be particularly lonely for some reason. I don’t know why but I really felt it last night. Not sleeping didnt help either. Im not having much of a nap in the afternoon anymore, maybe 30 mins, and then come night time I maybe have 2 or 3 hours in total scattered throughout the night. Im up at 6am every day to get my meds and some minor relief from the pain. Its not as if Im not tired though either, because I am. I just cant shut my mind off, and sheep counting etc doesnt work for me. Oh well.
Continued.... (click link below)
Is it a sign of desperation to turn to personals website to find someone special or new friends? If it is, then I’m desperate as I signed up to two in the last two weeks. Both have approved the profile and pictures and so on so now it’s a case of sit back n see what happens. My profiles so far have had zero viewings. And I’ve sent off two ice breakers; Nothing back yet.
The pain hasn’t been too bad this week, although last night it really had a go at me. It was one of the worst breakthrough sessions I’d had in a long time and it seemed never ending. It was mid-morning this morning before I got any length of time free of breakthrough pain.
On Wednesday the bag dropped off. Its so rare that that happens to me, but it always seems to manage it at the most in opportune times. This time it was while I was at the White Rose shopping centre, and of course I didn’t have a full complete change on me. Fortunately it was as we were leaving to go home anyways so it was no major inconvenience but damn did it put a downer on the trip out. Have you ever had the feeling that you are cursed? Or jinxed? Or Hexed? I must admit I’m starting to wonder about it.
For some reasons the number of visitors to the ostomy site has rapidly grown in March, and I don’t know why. Maybe its been advertised somewhere without my knowledge, or maybe just more people are finding it via search engines, but whatever is the reason the average daily hit rate has gone from 2000 – 2500, to 3500 – 4000. Also the chat room seems to be getting very busy while I’ve been away too. It’s regularly breaking the 21people barrier during weekday evenings, which is more than there’s been on many a Saturday meeting in there over the years, and when I’ve been looking in overnight (UK Time) its good to see that there’s quite a few people in there still talking away in the US Evening time. It looks like the chat room finally is a true 24/7 venture, so thank you to every who is a part of it for making it what it is, and especially to the Ops and HH’ers who give up their time freely to help others for little or no reward and regular abuse.
The pain getting bad again so I am going to say goodbye for this post.
J.
Depression: 9/10
Pain: 6/10
Posted by Jason at March 18, 2006 03:52 PM
Readers Thoughts
I'm sorry about the bag incident Jason.....it would have mortified me if that had happened to me....but onwards and upwards i say. You've just got to smile about it ;-)))))))))
I always ask my stoma nurse whether she's been busy and she always relies, 'Yes, far too busy'! She always tells me that there are more and more people getting stomas each day. You must be thrilled to be getting so many hits on your website Jason!!
Have a nice Sunday and i hope today is brighter for you. Hello to Lucy too xxxxx
Posted by: Denise at March 19, 2006 10:17 AM
Jason, there must be something about the White Rose centre as that happened to me last week. Luckily I never go anywhere without bags, lotions and potions and so I just went into the disabled toilets and sorted myself out.
It was a great feeling tho having a poo in all those shops. Its a godd job no-one could tell.
Ann
Posted by: ann at March 20, 2006 11:22 AM
Jason am so sorry you are feeling depressed...it is a dreadful feeling and is hard to get out of it.....I had my bag come off the first night home from the hospital ....panicked then dealt with it..Ijoined this site a few weeks ago after being told about it from another friend....itis a great site and how wonderful to be able to talk to other ostomates...
My stoma nurse told me that they do up to 100 a month here in this area....scary....
I think we have to try not to be sad about what hashappened to us but look at it as just another door opened for us to go thru in life...I thank God every day for giving me another chance at living...my third chance actually if you count being born as one....so whatever life throws at you...just keep smiling and the sun will pop thru...
Lizzy
Posted by: lizzy at March 28, 2006 05:48 PM
Oh Jason, I have been around for over two years. A lot of here and there, in and out as I coped with the depression and the bag and the fear and the abandonment. I have had the awful embarrasing moments with bags in church (and I sing in the choir or the hairdressers). Just thinking about them I tear up. I don't know exactly what your whatever is but do want you to know I am glad I found this very special place.
Karima
Posted by: Karima at April 2, 2006 02:09 AM
I've had mine since June of 2004 and I guess its
supposed to be better all the time but, I never seem to get it timed right. It's the Biggest Pain in the Butt [I forgot... I don't have one any more!] I couldn't believe how long it took to not cause major distress and to be able to eat normally, without pain after two mouthfuls. It may have been compounded by the HEAVY-DUTY CHEMO I was processing at the time.
I still look like crap and many days feel even worse. I cannot stand up straight. When I'm not in pain I get this intolerable ITCH under my flange. It's always something! I feel like I aged 20 years in that one year. I am finally coming BACK. It's replacing the LOST WEIGHT that helps the most... but, that is so difficult and SLEEPING is even HARDER. [I never want to go to sleep but, instead I sit at this PC desk and write, research 'anything' or play games.]
I know I would look and feel a whole lot better if I could only put in at least 6 consecutive hours [horizontal] in the bed. I toss and turn like you do. It's a factor of the MAJOR depression we all seem to share!
Posted by: Linda at April 12, 2006 01:07 AM