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September 23, 2005
Coffee Wars
Had a row with my mum this morning in town. I was taken out shopping, sill yme thought it was a regular shopping trip, where we go to the shops, i go my way, they go theirs. We meet up in Marks n Spencer coffee shop, I usually get there first so pay for my drink, and they come an hour later and pay for theirs.
Just before we went our seperate ways in town my mum says "are you gonna pay for the coffee today then or what?" - now, I'd just given her £137 on Monday which consisted of £120 rent, and a few bits n bobs I owed, from 50% vet bills, 50% of the dogs new coat and so on. So, I was a bit taken aback by this. As they know its a touch subject with me. At times I feel like Im just a cash cow to them, and at other times I feel really ashamed that I have to be so tight because I just havent got much money to bandy around like that.
So I say to Mum "I gave u hundred n forty quid on monday, wheres all that gone?" and she says "thats your rent. Whens the last time u bought us coffee? How many coffees have we bought you in the last month?" (the answer to that is two btw). She really made me out to be really tight. In the past when I have offered to pay for coffee voluntarily its been turned down every time. I only get £160 every two weeks for gods sake. And £120 of that is rent every time!
So, instead of arguing further in the street, I just walked off. When they came to the coffee shop I put the money on the tray for them, and she says "no i dont want it. You keep it". In my mind I was saying "you cna dman well take it, yer not makin gme feel like n shit and NOT taking the money!" This £3.40 went back n forth across the table for like ten minutes. I felt like saying "so if u didnt want the money in the first place why did u do that in the street? to just make me feel like shit then or what????" but I didnt.
They know I am depressed, and that I have low self esteem. They dont know Ive been thinking of killing myself though. However I dropped a few hints with my dad today in a conversation, and he picked up on them. Theyve both been nice as pie to me since then.
To top off the morning out in style, I had a pain breakthru attack on the way out of the supermarket and ended up in a heap sobbing on the back seat of the car. One day Ill have a trip out go well. One day.
Am currently trying to burn a couple of copies of Mary Poppins Musical London Cast dvd bootlegs for Emma - my friend from a few streets over. Damn DVD Drive keeps locking on this second disc for some reason. Its just a bootleg so its not copy protection thats causing it. Its most odd. Has cost me 4 discs so far this session. Grrr.
My folks got the dehumidifier theyve been wanting for so long. Ten percent days at Homebase... gotta love them. Anyways its been in the basement about 6 hours now and its already dragged well over 3 pints of water out of the atmosphere. So goes to show how damp it is down there.
Its a week tomorrow til we go on holiday - just off up the northern end of the country to Northumberland - Seahouses area. My mum has a bug in her bonnet about seein Holy Island, so off we go. Id rather stay here. More comfortable, then a tin can caravan. *sigh* I should quite complaining, some ppl dont get a holiday.
Anyways im not gonna be long out of bed tonight. Am really tired. So shall sign off here I think. Have a good night y'all.
Bye for now,
J.
Pain: 5/10
Depression: 7/10
Posted by Jason at September 23, 2005 08:24 PM