Diary of a Life with Chronic Pain v2.01

===========================================================================================

Still here? OK, I shall begin.

Remember my Jaffa cake obsession? I talked about it in previous entries on the previous journal, so only regular readers or chat room visitors will know of my love of the jaffa cake. Well, I finally kicked the habit. I’m not longer addicted to them. I’m addicted to lemon bon bons instead now.

A couple days ago, I had a long conversation with a RL friend about the situation im experiencing now. I was brutally honest and frank, and we tried to come up with as many ideas as possible as to what I could do to try and ease the pain and get better healthcare. Even suggested getting the other docs to gang up on the pain team to get them to say “hey we cant do our job when his pain is like this”, but already tried that one too. Tried MPs and government and all that. There’s just nothing left.

Then my friend said, well if it continues to get worse and worse then maybe you should compile a list of pros and cons. Im sure you don’t need me to explain as to which pros and cons im talking about. It was quite distressing to find that when I sat down and wrote them down this afternoon I came up with 21 pros, and only 7 cons. One of the cons being the rather pathetic fact that I’d lose my £20 deposit on the new Xbox 360 I’ve got ordered for Dec 2nd when they are released. Yes, sad isn’t it.

Anyways, you may think - crumbs 21 to 7 thats pretty bad. But whilst the pro's out number the cons significantly, they do NOT out weigh them, and its made me realise that suicide is not for me. At least not at this time. Who knows in a few years time. Im sure things would be very much different if my folks werent here.

As you can probably tell by the topic of conversation the depression is very bad again today. It did lift a little yesterday but I had a very bad morning with pain breakthroughs leaving me in a lot of pain and distress for a number of hours that has knocked me back to square one.

What I don’t understand is why I am where I am. I mean, I know why I am, MRSA ate away the nerves and so I have pain. But I don’t understand why it should happen to me. I made all the right decisions to have the right treatment. I should be 90% fit and active now, living a life of work and socialising, or dating a pretty girl, or marrying one and having a family. Instead, Im compiling a list and trying to determine if my life is worth £20 or not. God help me. I’m not a religious man, but Ive started praying. Hoping for divine intervention I guess.

Tomorrow, pain permitting, im going to drag myself shopping with my folks, and Im gonna go on a calorie pig out. And maybe even a bit of retail therapy. Some people may laff at the thought of retail therapy but for me anyways spending money on myself genuinely does make me feel better and brighter.

Lost season two started in the States last night. Am hoping to be able to watch it maybe tomorrow or the day after. Depending when I finally get my grubby mitts on it. Con #8 - wouldnt find out whats at the bottom of that bloody hatch!!!

Regular readers may remember that I have a passion for MMORPG games on the PC - massively multiplayer role playing games - and that my game of choice was star wars galaxies. Well, Im afraid to say that while Ive been away from the site my galaxy has collapsed - ie my account was suspended when I knew I wasnt going to be on as much.

When I do get to play PC games now, ive found a new love. World of Warcraft - another MMORPG but its much easier to just dip in and out off, yet still very rewarding if you dedicate the time to it. Ive got a level 36 warlock and a level 19 warrior at the moment. i'd like to get the warlock up to lvl 40 by end of october so that I get the damned horse! Until you are level 40 you have to run everywhere in WoW except for the occassional tram ride or ship ride etc. But once level 40 you get a steed that means your movement speed is +60%. When you max out your character at level 60 you get a new steed that +100% movement speed. Roll on Winter 4342 then, as thats how long it will take me to get to 60 lol.

For those wanting more on world of warcraft then you can visit the games official site at www.worldofwarcraft.com

Anyone who plays the game can find me "coolthud" on the Thunderhorn server. :P

OK im off. The dog is barking and I need to shut her up before the neighbours bitch up. Take care everyone, and bye the way, dont worry about me. My decision is made, im not doing anything stupid.

Bye now,
J

Pain: 5/10
Depression: 8/10