June 29, 2006

More pros and cons

Yes its another one of those entries. You know the deal by now. Dont read this.

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Posted by Jason at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)

June 25, 2006

Cant think of a title

Just thought I'd make a quick post. Depression is still bad. I know I put it as 10/10 last time, but if anything it is worse today than then, but for reasons I dont wish to discuss on here its just been a really shitty day. Am glad its nearly over.

Tomorrow I have the dentist. Got to have a filling. Cant wait. Not. I am terrified of dentists. Ive postponed the appt once because I was too scared to go and have the filling. Pathetic isnt it.

The pain has been behaving itself to a degree. Theres been a couple of bad breakthrough sessions this last 36 hours or so, but the trouble is that when I am as depressed as I am now then I cannot even cope with the daily achey thump pain that is there all day every day. Every thump just makes me cringe more and more, and then it makes me want to cry because it wont stopped, and each thump seems to drive deeper and deeper into me until I am practically screaming for it to stop. Its horrible.

And now there is a blockage problem too with the stoma. Gas is still coming out, but Ive not passed anything in three days, and I can feel a wad of stuff stuck behind that stupid u-bend in my bowel. I've started to melt the obstruction away with some glycerin suppositories but its taking a long time and im feeling so bloated with it.

Ugh.

England won their World Cup match tonight. Bugger. Was hoping they'd lose so they'd come home and something else could be talked about on the telly. Its nothing but football football football now. And tomorrow sees the start of Wimbledon, so then it will be football tennis football tennis football tennis for the next two weeks. Woooopie doo.

Sorry I shouldnt be so saracstic. Just the way I am today. Ive not had naymore thoughts on suicide. Its at the back of mind but nothing new springs to mind. I am so desperately unhappy in this shitty world, but I know that it could also be so much worse, and so its hard to think of thoughts like that when that realisation is also at the back of my mind.

Anyways I am going to go to bed. Nothing to do. Its 8pm and the folks are already in bed watching telly. No one to talk to online, everyone is offline so I think i shall call it a night too. Get myself in bed with tartan zip up booties, hot water bottle, heated under blanket and not forgettting to put my teeth in a glass of water. Yeah, I feel old.

Bye for now.

Jason
Pain: 6/10
Depression: 11/10

Posted by Jason at 07:52 PM | Comments (1)

June 23, 2006

Does God Punish Suicide?

Warning: The following post talks about suicide, and some people may find the subject matter distasteful. In fact you shouldnt read this post at all so dont click the link below to get to the full post. Thanks.

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Posted by Jason at 09:06 PM | Comments (2)

June 21, 2006

Move over Stig, Jason's here.

Little competion in this entry. Anyone who can leave a comment explaining what the title means, wins... a... umm... "well done" posting from me. The clue is that I'm down in the dumps today moodwise.

So, yeah, depression is really bad today. Tears and all that shit. So embarrassing. Its been deteriorating for 36 hours or so now. And I just KNOW that its going to get worse tomorrow for a fact. Why? Cos I see the psycologist for the three month review, and any one who reads this drivel regularly will know that Ive gone in there sobbing & suicidal and theyve sent me out with a three month review and instructions to phone them if it "gets bad". I always leave that appointment ten times worse than I go in. Ironic considering its meant to make me feel happier! Good ol' NHS! Gotta love 'em.

Continue reading "Move over Stig, Jason's here."

Posted by Jason at 07:10 PM | Comments (1)

June 17, 2006

So so so fed up

Its the weekend again. Im bored. Have been in a lot of pain since yesterday, not had hardly any sleep overnight, and today its been full of breakthrough pain. Im amazed Im on here personally but I am so fucking bored its untrue. Friends are all out n about n busy, nothing on telly. Come online and my messenger lists are barron and lifeless, so when all else fails and theres no one to talk to, talk to yourself. Or rather, make a journal entry.

So, yeah, the pain is bad. At this moment, its aching and thumping, im fidgeting on the chair. I should be laying down, but I just cant settle, and I've got to do something.

Continue reading "So so so fed up"

Posted by Jason at 08:48 PM | Comments (0)